OPENING MATCH
Matt Hardy vs. Finlay
Christian is on commentary for this match complaining about ONE MORE MATCH - oh wait wrong gimmick. Christian says Matt Hardy is going to turn around his career and have a better year in 2010..heh. You know, Christian's commentary is more entertaining than this boring, slow, terrible match. Matt hits 2 side effects and Finlay no-sells and kicks out. Goes for a twist of fate, gets reversed, and Matt climbs to the top rope to try to do a moonsault. He does the worst moonsault ever and misses. Finlay gets up, tries to do something, and gets hit with the twist of fate (more like a really half-assed cutter). 3 count. Thank God that's over.
RATING: *
They hype Evan Bourne vs Mike Knox which is the main event I guess.
Rosa Mendes and Zack Ryder segment..they come and pick on Tommy Dreamer backstage and they book Ryder vs. Dreamer. If Dreamer loses he leaves ECW forever.
Royal Rumble 2010 vignette. I WILL BE THE ONE
American political ads because Hulu hates me
Ezekiel Jackson comes out to the ring to absolutely no reaction from the fans. They actually LOOK bored in the crowd right now. Who the fuck would buy tickets to ECW anyway? Flashbacks to Vladimir Kozlov being attacked last week on ECAEW JHH OH GOD HE HAS A MIC NO NO NO NO
Vladimir Kozlov comes out to interrupt the promo with a fight, thank God. They brawl a little bit and Kozlov goes over Ezekiel, throwing him out of the ring. Zeke runs up the ramp like a pussy and..yeah. More ads. Fuck you Hulu.
Evan Bourne comes out to the ring next. I guess this wasn't the main event. Bourne taunts a little bit, the commentators talk him up and call him a 'human videogame'. Well, that is true, video games can't cut promos either. Mike Knox comes out to the ring next, in the middle of his feud with Rey Mysterio. So, Knox vs. Bourne. WWE sure loves clashing styles. Knox kicks some ass, Evan Bourne hits some CM Punk kicks on Knox...Bourne tries to throw Knox in the ring because he's an idiot or something, Knox obviously counters and Bourne goes into the ring barricade. Bourne gets in the ring at an 8 count and Knox keeps beating him up. I feel like I'm watching a match between Bill Goldberg and John Morrison. Knox gets him in a headlock for a few minutes, I nearly fall asleep, and Knox beats him some more. Bourne counters a suplex, hits a few kicks, and Knox counters and hits a running crossbody. He almost gets a 3 count but Bourne grabs onto the ropes. Knox misses a knee drop and gets kicked in the face, Bourne gets on the top rope and fails Air Bourne. Knox counters a DDT, Bourne kicks him in the head and hits Air Bourne for the 3 count. Boring match with a boring ending.
RATING: DUD
SOME MORE GODDAMN ADS FROM HULU
Recap to the last RAW's Sheamus vs. John Cena WWE title match with a DQ ending. Cena attacks him from behind after the match like any good face would and instead gets kicked in the face.
They cut to the terrible, terrible, terrible commentary team where they hype Bret Hart on RAW.
Yoshi Tatsu teaches Goldust Japanese backstage. MAKE IT STOP
Trent Barretta and some other dude talk about how Tommy Dreamer is going to lose blah blah blah blah blah
Tommy Dreamer comes out to the ring. I guess we're going to have this shit-awful match next. What is the main event going to be then? I haven't heard any hype for any different match and there's over 15 minutes left in the show..
Cena tells us to not try this at home - try it in the dorm room
Oh, I guess it is the main event. Zack Ryder comes out to the ring accompanied by Rosa Mendes, wearing some terrible blue and purple half-leg tights. They..start off with a headlock spot. You know what? I can't even be assed to do live commentary on this crap. I'll continue off at the end of the match.
Okay, so Dreamer..wait, wat. Ryder had his foot under the rope apparently. so Ryder turns around a back suplex and pins Dreamer. THIS IS FINALLY OVER I'M FREEE...that's until I have to dredge on here and review the next goddamn one. Oh well.
