Randy Redneck.

Subject: Randy Redneck. Mon Mar 19, 2012 1:25 am

A glorious white backdrop is shown before the camera as it is well lighted and almost glimmering. Suddenly, a man wearing a sleek black suit steps onto the screen from the left side. His honey brown colored locks looking as brilliant as ever. This man is now recognized as the newly crowned AWO Extreme Champion, William Black. Black is wearing a cocky smirk across his mouth as being a title holder had given him even more to brag about. He lowers his head by an inch and looks up to the camera as he is about to speak.

“Hello once again, AWO fans. If you don't know me by now, I am your new Extreme Champion, William Black. Now I have been told that holding a title changes a man. So, I have decided it best to show a reenactment of what holding the Extreme Title would do to an average man. Do not be alarmed, however, because I am no average man. See you in a few ticks of the wristwatch.”

William grins before turning his body back to the left side of the screen. The cocky AWO star then steps out of the frame as the camera feed slowly fades into a black abyss. As if someone flipped on a light switch, the feed comes alive once again. This time there is a chalkboard being shown before the camera as the name “Randy” is poorly written on it. The camera shot then zooms out, showing the whole room. There are little children sitting “Indian style”, cross-legged, on the gray carpet before what one can assume is their teacher judging by her holding a ruler in her left hand and numerous papers in the right with a pen tucked between her middle and index finger. Her glasses reflect the light into the camera lense and she angles her head downward to look at all of her students.

“Okay, class, we have a special visitor to the third grade classroom today! He is a star in that wrestling organization, the AWO. Now, kids, please remember that that is just a show, and such violent acts should not be displayed in or out of the classroom. Is this understood?”

The children seem to all roll their eyes at the exact same time before replying to their third grade teacher.

“Yes, Ms. Flynn.”

“Good. So without any more of a wait, here he is, Mister William Black.”

All the students begin to boo as William is definitely not one of their favorite wrestlers. Suddenly, like a bullet from a gun, Ms. Flynn slaps her ruler against her desk getting the children to show some respect for the AWO Champion. The wooden classroom door opens, as a man with sunglasses, a bushy beard and long brown hair peeks around the door. He then begins to speak with a wild Southern meets British accent.

“Hey, yo, teach... is it cool if I bring this in here?”

The men then sneaks his burly arm into the door as he holds a Budweiser bottle in his hand. Ms. Flynn looks appalled by this as she shakes her head, telling the man it is most certainly not okay to bring in the bottle of beer. The man then grins and nudges the door open with his shoulder before the rest of his body follows through. He is wearing torn to all hell jeans, a tattered Metallica t shirt and black beat up boots. On top of all of this, he is wearing the AWO Extreme Championship. He slams down the rest of his Budweiser as some of it trickles down his “beard”. Once finished, he tosses the bottle behind him and outside of the classroom. The horrifyingly poor mannered man then makes his way in front of the third grade class.

“Hey, what's up kids? My name is Randy Redneck and I'm here to tell you about how them blacks and homosexuals are ruining MY damn America! Er... right, Teach'?”

The man identified as Randy Redneck looks over to Ms. Flynn, who is now sitting behind her desk. She shakes her head once again as this makes Randy Oh for two.

“Oh, fuck, really?”

After dropping the “F-bomb” in class, the third graders mouths hit the floor as does their teachers. Randy is definitely not taking their teacher home tonight, if you know what I mean.

“Okay, well, I guess I'll talk to you about what you need to do to be a decent American...?”

Ms. Flynn nods her head right away as this had been Randy's best idea so far.

“Okay, cool. I know just how to do that. Now, what you need to do is talk with this eardrum shatterin' accent to make other people think you're really intelligent. Now, you kids know anything about politics? No? Good. Don't ever listen to any Liberals and their damn hippie-dippie talk 'cause it will only mess up your think-box, and the only thing that was made for was to pray to Jebus. So, make sure to always watch that there Fox news 'cause they're the only ones who get it right. Oh, also, you kids drink yet?”

One select third grader raises his hand. Randy Redneck cocks on eyebrow before pointing his right index finger at the kid, giving him permission to ask a question or make a statement.

“We dwink juice.”

Randy frowns and quickly jerks his head backward.

“Juice? What the fuck is Juice? No, fuck no. You need beer to make good decisions! You need beer to be a good American, and a sexy beer gut to match it with. Damn, you kids are messed up. What kind of hippie, pot smoking school is this? Also, contrary to what this “Obamer” lovin' school is teachin' you kids, violence solves everything. If anyone ever looks at you funny, you drop whatever the fuck you're doin' and kick that fags ass 'cause this is America and we don't take shit from no one! That's why everyone loves America, we're the “beat the fuck out of it till it bleeds and begs for mercy” country.”

Being taught oh so valuable lessons, the third graders nod their heads as one is even writing down bullet points in their little notebook. Randy smiles as he is very satisfied with himself for turning these kids into proud, flag waving Americans.

“Okay, next lesson. Be sure to carry a gun with you at all times. It is our right to purrr-tect ourselves. Hell, I'm carryin' right the hell now!”

Randy then turns his back to the students and lifts up the back of his Metallica t-shirt to reveal a handgun tucked closely to his body by his red, white and blue belt. He releases his shirt and it falls back down to cover the gun once again before he turns back to face the class. Randy then looks over to Ms. Flynn's desk. She seems to be in a state of shock as her lips are moving but she can't seem to form any words. Randy winks at the elementary teacher and then grabs a hold of his crotch with his right hand. He snaps his head back to view the students and begins to preach another valuable lesson to them.

“Okay kids, now you're gonna be really let down, but I only have time for one last lesson 'cause I gotta be back home to beat my wife before dinner. Okay, so there's this test thinger you can take called an “IQ Test” that measures your smarts. Now the secret to keepin' America perfect is to make sure your IQ number never makes it above Fifty. If it does, don't have any kids. If you are the perfect American and have a number fifty or below, stick your johnson in her and don't take it out till you make at least six kids so you can live off of welfare and have mini slaves. That's the American way, live beyond your means and have people do shit for you. Oh, and also be sure to have McDonalds every damn day!”

With that last statement the class of third graders jump to their feet and begin to clap for Randy Redneck as Ms. Flynn looks about ready to pass out due to the shock of how horrid this man is. Randy Redneck grins like a madman and then salutes the flag that hangs in the classroom. He then marches like a soldier on crack out the door, closing it behind him. The scene begins to fade out when suddenly you hear a kid yelling out, “Fucking Hippies!”. The camera feed than snaps back to the Extreme Champion, William Black, who is standing in front of the same backdrop as before. He wears a smirk that extends from ear to ear as he begins to speak to all the disgusted American viewers.

“Well there you have it, the redneck, wife punching future of what being the Extreme Champion would be for an average man. Like I said before, I am no average man. I am the butler, William Black, England's Enigma, and I plan on holding a title for a very, very long period of time... if I couldn't, what kind of a butler would I be?”

William smirks before lowering his head and once again turning to the left and exiting the camera shot.